Submission or Surrender?

"Christians often speak of the necessity of submitting ourselves
to God. But there is an essential difference between submission and surrender.
The former is the conscious acceptance of reality. There is a superficial
yielding, but tension continues. I say that I accept who I am, but I do not
accept it so fully that I am willing to acutally act out who I am.
It is halfhearted acceptance. It is described by such words as resignation,
compliance, acknowledgment, concession. There remains
a feeling of reservation, a tug in the direction of non-acceptance.
Surrender, on the other hand, is the moment when my forces of resistance
cease to function, when I cannot help but respond to the call of the
Spirit." -- Brennan Manning, The Importance Of Being Foolish

I've got to admit something -- I am living in fear of this week. Not because there are monsters at my door, or that I have any person in particular to fear. I don't live in a country where my faith is in danger of getting me harrassed or harmed (in fact, it is quite to opposite).

So what am I fearing? The to-do list sitting on my desk! My family and I are heading to Seattle to see our family this Friday, and I am quite certain the list I just made this morning is NEVER going to get done. I am fearful that I will be so far behind by the time we get back from some R&R that all the plates I am trying to spin (like on the old variety shows) will slowly wobble and fall to the ground.

Yet, ultimately my fear is not of any list (I guess I could burn the paper up and show it who's boss!). My fear is that I will fail,. And ultimately, behind that fear, resides another, deeper fear -- that God will think I'm a failure.

I have this fear that if I don't get these things done, my "failure" will create a displeasure in God of myself. In fact, I would argue that all performance fears are linked to this theological premise --am I loved by God and does he find pleasure in me?

It's not that God can get my to-do list done for me. It's not that He doesn't care what I do (for he gave me a life to live and be a steward of). But I don't think that is his greatest concern. His greatest concern is for me to know that I am loved by him. "For God so loved the world that he gave..." (John 3:16). His desire to show us his love caused God to give up his Son. Yet here I sit worried about what he thinks of me.

That is where submission and surrender comes in. Am I simply submitting myself to God against my will, trying to just convince myself that he will love me regardless, or am I willing to surrender myself to him, and jump off the preverbial cliff into his loving arms?

I don't have the answer to that. My gut says that I am a mixture of submission and surrender (or lack thereof) at every stage of the game. My prayer is that more and more, I might be able to surrender to God, rather than just submit to the plan that seems laid out before me -- like trying to complete a task list! Surrender involves trust and risk.

How are you doing on the submission/surrender continuum these days?

I knew my to-do list would be good for something!

Jeff.